Day 1: My first rant.

I just started this blog, wholly with the intention of sharing things here that I can't  necessarily  share anywhere  else or with anyone else, which means there will PROBABLY be a lot of ranting. But also a lot of.. vulnerability  I think. You see, I have always been too shy, too awkward, too insecure, too afraid and sometimes  too upset, to be able to open up to the people I care about the most. In this case, especially to my best friend of 10 years. I like to use a nickname that's based off of his real name and call him Billy. 

 Sometimes as much as I think I know and trust someone, life can tend to land a big punch to my gut (and quite a frequent  reminder I might add) as if to cruelly let me know that I am always alone.. that I will always be alone and not get help when I need it the most.. 

My main driving force behind starting this blog, arose out of deep and buried frustations, angst, despair, and the infamous "why me?!" question whenever some of the worst things I couldn't  deal with  happened to me and I couldn't  even just pick up my phone and call my best friend.. to talk to him.. to hear his voice just so I can feel like I'm not rapidly drowning in a deep black vast ocean.. it's  always clashing schedules, timezones, being too busy (mostly on his end) or in some rare instances recovering from an illness like a cold or cough that affects his voice. I know some things are not in my hands or his but gosh do I really get depressed and quite envious  when I watch other people be able to rely on that one special person they trust  and care about.. that they can call even at 3 a.m. if a life crisis happened to them.. I thought I finally had something like that too. An oasis of comfort and safety from the person I trusted  the most. But lately.. I either just emotionally numb and distant or almost on the verge of snapping whenever I'm  always met with, "too busy, sorry cant talk" or " Voice not so great so maybe another time".  

Being asked  if I'm  okay or not feels like a redundant formality rather than genuine concern at this point even if he doesn't  actually intend it to be so. I wonder what the point of answering  it truthfully would be when it doesn't even matter in the end.. 

I wonder what was the point of telling me "no disappearing" and "no unaliving" just because of reasons like "I dont have anyone else to talk to that understands me" and "nobody else will give me hugs" (we communicate  mostly via text and rarely by calls so he means virtual  ones) when my life circumstances around me don't motivate me to live and crush me everyday? When I think back on it now the reasons  were always about someone else and their conveniences than about me as a whole, individual person when asked why the keenness to convince me to live or exist as I desperately  struggled, fumbled and clawed my way through in life. Or atleast, that's how it makes me feel. 

I suppose human nature can be selfish in that way. More so when the balance of scales tilt more towards a rational way of processing thoughts than an emotional one or a balance of the two.  Well.. all I can manage to do is attempt to rein in all these emotions  of mine into a little compact box, to be tucked away out of sight rather than unleashing  them where they aren't wanted. Not that I'm  doing such  a great job of that right now. Maybe some much needed sleep would help fix that.